I think I had been a member here about a decade ago. My first name is Christine, and I am a wife of nearly 49 years, mother of two, with my older son having been KIA in Afghanistan about 14 years ago. [It's hard to believe he's been gone that many years.] I've spent lots of years struggling over whether I should convert, as I'd wanted to do as a teenager [who had decided to be an atheist at age 18, but whom I honestly believe was somehow called by God to faith in Himself, and had a desire placed in my heart by God to become a Catholic]. I had been nothing at all before that, but had attended my aunt and uncle's Lutheran church once in a great awhile. I also attended a Pentecostal church after being asked by a friend of mine in high school. I had no idea what denomination her church was, but I just knew it's was definitely not for me.

I ended up becoming a Lutheran after struggling with my Lutheran uncle over the subject of Catholicism. He was dead-set against it, and his fear of Catholicism made me afraid as well, since I had no idea of anything Christian at all. I just felt in my heart that God had called me to the Catholic church, but my uncle's fear of it ended by my consenting to become a member of the Lutheran church instead. I have never been happy as a Lutheran, but I loved my aunt and uncle so much I always feared what their reaction might be if I ever needed to tell them I'd converted.

The ironic thing was that I ended up marrying a Catholic, and being married in the Catholic Church down the street from the Lutheran church in which I had been confirmed and baptized less than 3 years prior. Both my boys were baptized in local Parish Churches in the areas we lived in here in New Jersey. However, my husband never has wanted to attend Mass, and his parents only attended once in a great while. So, I attended on my own, or with a friend. I also tried enrolling in RCIA classes over and over again down through the years, but each time my fears would cause me to withdraw from the classes. I never could overcome my fears and doubts stemming from what my uncle had drummed into me. I had also had many other fears to overcome that came from the trauma I'd experienced about 6 years after joining the Lutheran church. That was severe, and threatened to destroy my entire life if I couldn't overcome it all, and that took over 20 years of therapy, including medicines that helped me find rest and mental/emotional peace enough so that I could work on overcoming what the terror had managed to do to me. Overcoming it all came about 18 years ago, so I am both medicine free, and therapy free now.

Finally, about 5 years ago, I felt I might be ready to take those RCIA classes and convert. However, even though I won't go into details here, the local Deacon told me 'they' had decided not to allow me to enroll in the RCIA. His reason[s] were that I was a 'trouble maker'[his terminology], due to asking questions that he decided were too disruptive, among other reasons he had for barring me from the classes. I'm not clear enough as to those other reasons he might have had to name them.

I won't go into anymore about that, since it's something that I still can't quite believe. I keep hoping that, since I do believe the Lord had placed this love in my heart for His Church, and since I have never been happy any place else but in a Catholic Church, and reading Catholic books, and just being around all things Catholic, that He will somehow make a way for me to become what my heart desires so much--a Catholic. There must be something good that can come out of all that I've been through all these decades, so I'll keep on learning about the Catholic faith, and attending Mass, loving the Holy Rosary, and loving the Catholic faith, and wait on the Lord. If it's His will I believe it will be possible. It's just been a long, weary road up to this point.

I know that's a lot to have said in my intro message. My perspective on things has become clearer and more settled over the years, and that shows through to me as I re-read what I'd just written. Also, being refused the ability to take the RCIA classes by the Deacon here was something that shocked me very badly, but has caused me to finally realize that, if there's a way, and it's the Lord's will, somehow He'll help me find it.

I'm glad to be here, and will just be learning, and enjoying being here.

welcome back christine... i remember you... istm we shared some pms back and forth, though for the life of me, i can't remember what we talked about... i am SHOCKED that the deacon would not allow you to take rcia ... are you in a place where there is only the one Catholic parish... if not, go to another ... if there is only one, please speak to the priest about your situation.... i'm still bumfuzzled (and sorry) that this has happened to you

They can refuse to admit you to RCIA, I guess, but then it's on them to find a way to let you come into full communion with the Catholic Church.

Can. 843 §1 Sacred ministers may not deny the sacraments to those who opportunely ask for them, are properly disposed and are not prohibited by law from receiving them.

Hi, Christine! Welcome to the board.

I don't remember you, but perhaps you were here before I joined. Or perhaps I just have a bad memory.

I enjoyed reading your intro. It is awful that the deacon wouldn't let you enter RCIA. I second finding another parish if possible, or talking directly to the priest. It seems pretty obvious that you are called to be Catholic and there must be a way to accomplish that.

Welcome back!

Welcome back I second you talk to the pastor or try a nearby parish.

Prayers for you Christine! And thank you for sharing in your post.

Hi Christine.

Welcome back
Where in Jersey are you?

Welcome, Christine!

Hi back to all of you and thank you all so much! I do remember at least two of you and I'll write a personal reply back to each of them, but I wanted to write this collective reply to all of you, since I was so surprised that so many of you responded like you have, and I couldn't be happier about that!

Well, this morning I asked my husband if he could see his way to driving me up to our old hometown so I could attend Mass at the one Catholic Church in this part of south New Jersey that I've loved more than any other I've gone to so far, and the one in which my younger son was baptized so many years ago--St. Patrick's--it's called simply St. Pat's by everyone who knows about it, but when I told my husband I had this inner desire to go there again, I said "St. Patrick's", and at first he thought I was asking him to drive me all the way up to NYC to that St. Patrick's! [I wish!] But, no, our St. Pat's is about that old though, yet no where nearly that huge[!], but that's part of it's beauty. It's definitely on the smallish side, but so beautiful inside. It's one of the old-time style sanctuaries filled with the beauty of heavenly personages and things, and from the first time I ever attended Mass there way back when my sons were very tiny, I loved St. Pat's! Since we were a military family though, we only spent a very limited time in that area off and on--we stayed with my husband's family between duty stations, then we lived in his hometown for around 5 years after he retired--now we live about 25 miles south of there, so making that trip would mean we'd be making a whole day of it, including brunch--I like that idea a lot! He appeared to be thinking it over, so I'll pray hard about it, and see how things go!

Maybe, if I do get the chance to begin attending Mass at St. Pat's I'll be able to speak to one of the priests there at least--if they can't help me out maybe they could direct me to someone who could, because the Lord is really pressing me hard, inside, about this now--it's as though this is the time, and things have to be resolved so I can join the Church--frankly, this is the first time He's pressed me this hard about this, probably due to all the inner fears and troubles I had to work through over the decades by this time--that was nearly a full-time job for me, since I realized if I didn't work to resolve those inner terrors, and just gave up and did nothing about it, I would end up being separated from my husband and boys, and find myself sitting in a padded room, wearing a white suit with buckles on it--not a prospect I would ever consider!! So, I worked as hard as I could for decades, until finally the inner desire to finally be free of those drugs that had helped me through the worst of things, but were very scary to me, so I wanted to be rid of them, had arrived--so, I was more than happy when the dr. told me he though I could go ahead and stop taking them. I also realized how hard it was going to be to get off this one particular drug, but I worked at it for a few years believe it or not, lowering the dosage a tinsee bit at a time by cutting the pills into pieces--that drug was so vicious to patients that were taken off of it too quickly, that too often they suffered the very symptoms that the drug was supposed to prevent, but those symptoms were due to the drug itself, which shocked all the doctors! So, I went very slowly, and steadily, and when I'd finally gotten completely off of it, and told the medical assistant at the military hospital during one of my regular visits for general health check-ups, that I was finally free of it, he stood up and clapped, and told me he'd never heard of anyone ever getting off one of those drugs like that! That really made me feel so great, too!

So, about what the Deacon did by telling me I couldn't take the RCIA classes--he was brutal about it, too, and at the time I was so shocked at what he was saying to me about what a terrible person I was, and that it was all my fault that my husband's family was never there for us after our son was killed in Afghanistan, and that I was crazy and should be put away, plus I was a liar because there were no priests as I'd described in my email to the RCIA teacher[they were the Dimond brothers, who said they were priests, who have a channel here on YouTube], and that I was a disruptive person, and on and on and on--he was saying horrible things to me about myself, yet I'd never even met that man before in my life, nor had I ever cried on the shoulder of anyone at that Church before, concerning how we'd been treated by my husband's family after our son was killed--as that Deacon went on and on and on, my mind was reeling--how did this man even know about my husband's family?! We lived a whole 25 miles away from my husband's hometown, and both of my husband's parents had been deceased for years--so, who was telling him all of those lies about me?! The devil?!

I got out of his office as fast as I could, but it took me awhile before the shock wore off so I could think straight, and it finally dawned on me that there were only two sources who could have filled his ears full of that idiocy about the situation in this family--my daughter-in-law, [and anyone who believed her--she despised me, but she had no reason to]--and, my husband's family members who lived fairly close by us, in Pennsylvania--the whole thing, to me, was so diabolical--I was being gossiped about behind my back, and when one of them confronted me about what was being said about me, he refused to give me a chance to clear things up, and set the record straight--instead, he called me a liar--when I asked him if he'd even read my last email to the RCIA teacher he said he had--but he was lying to me about that, since, if he had, he would have seen that I had looked into the subject of 'sedevacantism'[sp?] myself, and even though I still didn't understand it as fully as I needed to, I told the teacher that I had decided that it shouldn't deter me from moving forward with converting.

So, it seemed that my personal enemies had drawn and quartered me before I'd even had a trial! It also dawned on me that the Deacon had literally sentenced me to hell by barring me from the classes that way, and that frightened me half to death! I just felt so defeated for the first time in my entire life, and had no idea if there remained any hope for me at all.

I am so glad to have come back here--I wasn't sure about anything before I posted that intro--wasn't sure if I wouldn't be rejected from this board due to my being barred from the RCIA classes like that--I'm often so confused and frightened that I think it makes me a bit paranoid at times--I definitely need to work on overcoming that before it overcomes me! Well, I'm nearly all set, though: I have my Rosaries, one of which has been blessed at the Shrine of Our Lady if he Miraculous Medal; I finally have a wonderful hardback copy of God's Word in the Douay-Rheims translation that I love so much; I even have a volume of Catholic Catechism--it's very old[used book store copy], but I thought I still might learn from it; and, book after book on Our Lady's visitations which I think are so very fascinating, and exciting! I've always been drawn to Lourdes and St. Bernadette, whom I have always wanted to be my Patron Saint. What's odd about that is when I was having heart trouble about 10 years ago, and I was resisting even telling the dr. about the pains I was experiencing, when, as we were in the car traveling down Rt. 130[I think] up near my husband's hometown, I suddenly looked out the window and the first thing I saw was a huge billboard with an ad on it for--Lourdes hospital, and their cardiac dept.--I suddenly realized that God was trying to tell me something, so I said to my husband that, ok, I'd tell the dr.! I ended up having the heart procedure done at--Lourdes hospital, too--so funny!

Hi Christine,

By all means do try to speak to a priest at St. Patrick's. But also keep in mind that the Dimond brothers are poison, they are not priests, nor even consecrated religious as they claim to be.

Thank you for your reply, and I'll definitely do that.

Welcome aboard Christine...