|
I have a question - well, a few questions, on this topic. IDK if I should make this its own thread or not (This is my first post here.), but I'll go ahead and put it here. I feel awkward talking about it, but my doctor has been no help, and I have no idea what to do. I have to do something before it's too late.
I have bipolar disorder. It's pretty bad. I've never been formally dxed; I've only seen a psychiatrist once, when I was staying at the hospital after a breakdown 6 years ago. But, my cousin and my aunt both committed suicide. I know I have it, too. I've had recurring thoughts of suicide for several years. Now, they're getting worse. I go through moodswings with PCOS, and I think there is some hormonal connection. I know I need the proper treatment, but I always think when I'm well, that I'm going to stay that way. I don't want to face the problem when I'm feeling good. I did try to get in to see the psychatrist who helped me before, but the office said I need a referral and that I'd probably be better off just seeing my regular doctor. Anyway, long story short, I'm really afraid. My doctor doesn't seem concerned with what I tell him. I did finally request another doctor in the clinic - one who I saw a few mons ago that was much more thorough and who I felt more satisfied with. I HAVE made a lot of progress in the past few years, but the moodswings have increased and the progress has been lost. I have to take a lot of medicines - I have low thyroid and am starting to gain weight when I never used to before (am still slightly underweight), I have high cholesterol, etc. I've never been able to put all of this together, or have 1 doctor that could handle it all.
My dad is very sick. This is his second bout with cancer, and he very well could lose his life. He has an exam the 19th in which the cancer will be evaluated, and he'll know more about prognosis. But, he's preparing to die. It is really destroying me. I know that I won't be able to handle it if he gets bad news. And, I feel so bad that my family has to worry about me. I've been trying to keep it all to myself and be strong. But, I have recurring thoughts of driving into a semi. Even when I'm not in a bad spell, I get them. My doctor says I have to promise not to hurt myself, but that's fine if I continue to have control over the feelings. I probably should be in the hospital, but I'm trying my best to stay optimistic and strong. My biggest fear is putting other people in danger. I've never been a violent person, and have no wish to harm others. But, what if my actions would? What if I lost control and caused an accident? When I'm doing ok, even when I'm very sad and feel lost and alone, suicide does not seem rational. That's what I'm trying to explain; it's like I'm another person during these times, and this method of suicide is the only one that makes sense to me. I know I sound totally crazy. I wasn't always like this. I've always had issues with anxiety, but I always had a job. I always had friends. Now, I have nothing. My dad is the only person who understands me, and can help me. I know how selfish that sounds, but I seriously feel like a dependent child. I AM a dependent. I can't work or have relationships or do anything, and I'd give anything to change that.
I'm sorry this is so long. My religious background is long, too. My mom's side of the family is Catholic. I grew up Presbyterian, but have not been to that church in a long time. I moved away to attend school and work, and when I had a breakdown and came back to town 6 years ago, I started going with my mom and grandma to church. My grandma can no longer drive so we'd take turns driving her, and would actually go with her to mass on holidays. Now, my mom goes every Sunday with her, and I go about every other week or so. It helps me to go, and I've developed an interest in it. My mom grew up Catholic and converted to Presbyterian when she married my dad (another long story). The priest has asked if she'll come back, but she said she wants to see my brother and I settled (great how that turned out) before she made a decision. And, that's where it is. I've had a hard enough time just going to mass at all esp now so do not think I want to convert. However, my mom read something to me that the priest wrote in our newsletter about mental illness and demons. I had no idea that exorcism is practiced, or that any religious group thought this way about it. I've heard varying accounts of what the Church believes about suicide, but I really need to know is there a standard belief about the mentally ill and suicide? Like I said, my biggest fear is putting others in danger. I'm so afraid I'd go to hell. I still have a hard time grasping mass shootings or murder at all - I can't stand to even watch the news b/c I hate to see people in pain. I'll admit, how I've felt these past few months has really made me things like this in a new light and make me wonder about how much of it really is illness, and how much is the person's will. I hope I don't get punished for talking about this. I don't think I'm in any immediate danger, and I really hope if I get that point, I'll go to the hospital. It just depends on what happens next week. I've been praying, and I ask Saint Jude and Saint Anthony to pray for my dad each day. I'd like some input in this situation - religious and/or otherwise. I'm not comfortable with talking to my priest about this since I hardly know him, and it's been so long since I've been to my old (Presbyterian) church. Part of my post got deleted by accident, so I hope I got everything. What I really want to know is does the Catholic Church have a stance on cases of mental illness like this? I really wish I could reclaim my life. I watch movies and I become obsessed with certain characters because they make life look so easy. I don't even know what I'd do if I had the chance to live a normal life. At 31, I feel like there is increasingly no life to come back to, even if I did ever get better - at least not compared to everyone else. Sorry this is so long. Thank you.
|
