Greetings,

The most difficult liturgy to prepare is Wedding liturgies. Often the people approaching the church are not the most religious people in the world. They expect the church to do anything they want. They get very angry when they encounter rules for the liturgy: No country western music off the radio-- WHY NOT, ITS MY DAY, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO ANYTHING I WANT.

I have to describe in DETAIL such things as NO alcohol in the church, no drinking before the ceremony. NO adhesives or tacks used on the pews. NO flower/baloon arches. NO releasing butterflies in the church(I have been asked this 3 times). Why do they even ask these things? The less religious the couple, the more outrageous the requests and the more angry they get when I say no.

I went to a wedding reception for a wedding near halloween: It was a costume reception. It is different and fun, and the couple told me that they didn't ask for a costume wedding because they knew it would be wrong. This couple understood.

Every now and then I get a wonderful couple who wants a beautiful catholic wedding.

How can we catechize our people so they do not come in and ask for wedding like this.

peace

I don't know father, that is a really good question. I'd think much of this would start in the home. Understanding the meaning of a Sacramental marriage and wedding in the Church and just what a blessing and how special that is.

Maybe speaking directly to this in their pre-Cana classes, or whatever it is they take. I am a single person, so I know very little about the process. Maybe addressing some of these things at that time. Or, putting out information/brochures on appropriate Church weddings, do's and don't's...and most importantly, the WHY'S...it seems not only do many people my age who have married in the Church not care, they honestly don't understand, or, "get it", which is pretty sad.

To be honest, I have several friends who are Catholics who have married in the Church who seem to care less about the Mass and Sacramental aspect, so I wonder if much of it has to do with our society and lacking values?

It should be part of pre-cana, don't you think? Teachers of pre-cana should impress upon them that marriage is a scarament. As such, the ceremony must be done in a dignified way. The Church blesses the sacrament you confer upon eachother.

FWIW, Father, my wedding ceremony was nice and standard. I just did one little funny thing. My recessional song was the The Throne Room theme from the end of the first Star Wars film. It was after the mass had ended, it was instrumental, and it was an aisle processional. Everyone realized it was a nod to me, a Star Wars nut - but it wasn't blatant.

I'm hoping now that I didn't do wrong. But, I didn't want anything crazy during the mass itself. That would have been uncouth.
--Ann

It has to start in the home.The general acceptance of church authority in all matters but also the specifics of sacraments. By the time you get to Pre-Cana brides have all these ideas they've collected since they were younger and thinking about their big day. Very hard to explain that there is something "wrong" with these ideas and the church won't allow it. Really sets thing up for bad feelings about the church, especially for the under catechised.
My daughter for instance has remarked that she wants to get married on the beach. I've had to tell her that she can't .She's 14. I told that if we could find a Catholic Church , with consecrated ground right on the beach then she could do that. I don't believe this exists on Long Island. Or she could get married in church and have the reception at one of the beach clubs. It's a struggle because she sees all these, protestant and secular images of this type of thing that is portrayed so beautifully and romantically in photos, or movies.

This one is as close as you're gonna get to the beach:

Sacred Heart Bayhead New Jersey

Maybe on Long Island you have a few...
--Ann

That is a good point Dianne. I know several cable channels(like TLC, I think it's called, and a few others), feature the trendy "destination" weddings, beach weddings, theme weddings,etc. They recently featured a Disney wedding in Orlando at the Grand Floridian Resort, where the bride was featured as a "princess" complete with horse drawn carriage and Disney characters at her wedding and reception. It's no wonder children/teens watching these things are confused as to why they "can't" when it's their turn to get married if a proper catechesis is missing.

There is the story (I hope it is apocryphal, but it does unfortunately express a view held by many people who want to get married in church) of the bride who had her hair up in curlers at the church wedding "so she would look really good at the reception!"

I guess at least that would be honest about her priorities!?!?!?


Edward Pothier

Don't have much help here, but I know the problem very well.

I work in the church office on Saturdays and do a lot of the cleaning up after weddings.

The vast majority of couples don't seem to be overly, or at all, religious. Not to mention, most of them don't have decent manners or simple respect for the church.

Just a few things I've seen:

- Leftover garbage in the pews (programs, kleenex, etc).
- Lost items (handbags, cameras, etc).
- Parents allowing their children to be "entertained" by taking them to the chapel and letting them run around the alter.
- Drinking outside of the church.
- Drinking inside the church.
- Complete messes in the bathrooms.
- Picture sessions that last so long they interrput the following Mass (or I kick them out).


ARGGGGGGGGGGG.

Yes... a wedding is important. Yes... a wedding should be a wonderful day for the couple.

But NO... the church is not there to be walked all over and taken advantage of.


ARGG. This makes me so bitter.

Should we be too terribly surprised, considering a majority of the aforementioned couples subscibe to the belief that if it doesn't work, they'll just get a divorce? I've actually heard people say that out loud, as if marriage were a trip to amusement park!

AArrggghhh! (From someone who honors the state marriage, and has yet to find her man!)

What annoys me is the way a lot of women dress immodestly (ie there breasts largely exposed and mini skirts) - they have no idea what the mass and a wdding is about.

Grrrr.

One of the nicest weddings I have been to in a long time, with a Deacon who spoke on the permanence of marriage both at the rehearsal AND during the wedding in spite of the divorced parents ... (me) was my son's.

Yes, there were some very uncomfortable people in the Church both days, but it is Truth, and we all needed to hear it.

Deacon Cross also had to tell my son and daughter in law no about some songs, but did not alienate them, and made the entire wedding very much Catholic, with the parish priest saying the Wedding Mass.

Oh - TP - maybe you should write up all the rules for a Catholic wedding on a standard hand out, and have the couple read it and sign that they understand it before proceeding any further.

Also, one thing the parish I got married in did - we had to give them an extra deposit check of $300 for the church. If we started our wedding on time the check was returned to us. If it was late - we would have lost it. (This was NYC - you can choose a smaller amout, of course.)

Perhaps you can do this depost for this purpose, being on time, and if they break any of the rules they lose a portion of that deposit or all of it.

Might be harsh, but it would get the point across.
--Ann

I think the handout idea is spectacular. But I also agree that the problem begins LONG before the couples approach a given parish for pre-Cana. It's a shame we cannot have something similar to "A Wedding Story" on EWTN for families, so that those impressionable young Catholic girls could see GOOD Catholic weddings that actually respect the sacramentality of it...

Rachel

Our parish does have a "handout" for the wedding couples.

Actually, its a booklet.


It was a huge help when I got married. It had tons of information for the couple, plus a list of the rules.

Some of the things it included:
- Size dimensions of the church
- Prices for the various fees
- A handout to give to your photographer on his rules of where he can and cannot be


Ohhh... I can't think of anymore

But it was a way to be helpful (by giving us information) but also giving us a heads up on what is appropriate or inappropriate.


Although, I would think common sense would tell you not to openly drink in the church. But apparently common sense isn't enough.

A rehearsal - a day or two before the actual wedding - should be helpful. The priest or deacon can then give the rules.