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 Post subject: Is this unforgiveness?
PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2022 9:04 am 
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Religion: Catholic
I'll call this person Tam.

In 2003, I befriended Tam. We enjoyed lots of good discussions, banter, laughter.

In mid-2008, a romantic interest came into Tam's life, whom I'll call Mol. I was happy for Tam. As Mol is a somewhat accomplished person, the returned interest turned Tam's head.

Tam suddenly, without warning, turned on me: I endured a three month barrage of snide insults, belittling, etc. :| I was very hurt and shut Tam out to make it stop.

In early 2009, Tam wanted to reconcile. I agreed. But the friendship was never the same.

In mid-2017, Tam stopped communicating for the next four years.

In February 2022, Tam suddenly reappears. At first I was a bit elated, but that feeling has waned. I can't deny there's still pain and mistrust; thus, I'm not sure I have forgiven Tam.

Thoughts? Any sincere input will be appreciated.


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 Post subject: Re: Is this unforgiveness?
PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2022 9:44 am 
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Jr. Wazzooship-Winning Moderator
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Joined: Wed Jun 15, 2011 7:18 pm
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There's a saying that goes "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." That's not to say that one shouldn't be forgiving; of course, we are instructed by Christ to do so. But forgiving someone does not mean that the transgressor has carte blanche to hurt you again. If you are not sure that you have truly forgiven Tam, by all means, examine your conscience and (if you feel you need it), consult your priest. But regardless of your determination whether you still need to forgive, you need to keep an emotional distance from Tam until and unless s/he earns your trust back. That's a thing that does not (and should not) happen quickly. Tam's actions broke the rules and bonds of friendship. You can forgive a person, but it does not mean that you allow him/her to walk all over you. The phrase is "turn the other cheek," not "allow them to crush your soul."

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"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." --Douglas Adams

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 Post subject: Re: Is this unforgiveness?
PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2022 11:32 am 
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Trophy Dwarf
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Location: Here in the center holding my bleeding heart...
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I've found it helpful to pray like this:

"Forgive me my trespasses as I forgive Tam who trespassed against me."

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Living life on prayers and hooks and needles...


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 Post subject: Re: Is this unforgiveness?
PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2022 1:06 pm 
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Journeyman
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Forgive him and ignore him.


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 Post subject: Re: Is this unforgiveness?
PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2022 2:24 pm 
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Vern Humphrey wrote:
Forgive him and ignore him.


I will do that.

Thank you all.


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 Post subject: Re: Is this unforgiveness?
PostPosted: Tue Nov 15, 2022 7:01 pm 
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I've wondered about this as well. Does foregivess include trust? I'm not sure.

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