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Direction in relationship
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Author:  nodakconvert [ Thu Jun 05, 2014 10:44 pm ]
Post subject:  Direction in relationship

I have been dating a very good woman who I met at daily mass a little over 4 months ago. She is wonderful. Devout, kind, intelligent, beautiful, successful and hard working. In every way, she is the woman I was waiting for God to bring into my life.

This is where it gets complicated,

In October of 2012 a relationship with another very good woman ended, but this was prior to my conversion. This woman actually introduced me to Catholicism. She too was/is very devout, kind, intelligent, beautiful and successful. The reason for the failure of that relationship could not be attributed to a single incident, but definitely to a single cause. I was Christian in name only. I feigned a relationship with Christ, a faith in him and his direction. I was a fair weather Christian if you will. When she ended the relationship, I believe it was because I was such a prisoner to my failures and my past and that rendered me incapable of growth spiritually or emotionally. After we broke up, I started to consider converting and in some ways it was to impress her in hopes she would take me back. But in large part, it was because of the beauty I saw in her and her family. I knew it came from somewhere, fortunately I guessed right when I guessed it came from their relationship with Christ.

Throughout the RCIA process and the initial introduction to the church we were were in contact intermittently, sometimes more than other and shortly after my confirmation (she had asked to be my sponsor) she told me that we could no longer talk or visit . This was very hard for me, and I really relaxed in my pursuit of the faith. I quit attending daily mass, started to skip Sunday mass and went into a deep desolation.

Eventually the darkness of the desolation was too much and I was blessed with a hunger for Christ, though I didn't know what it was. I didn't buy that the Eucharist was really Christ, the more I think about it the more I realize I was going through the motions in order to get her back. But, the hunger was genuine, what I was hungry for I wasn't sure.

I was given many graces over a short period of time. The gift of faith came quickly due to the deep hunger for Christ and truth that I have been blessed with.

After a time I realized my past relationships have failed due to me wanting my partner to be my savior, to save me from the past and my past failures. I attach no blame to my past for who I am or was, but at the time I was a very hurt and broken young man and did not know what I needed. But I new I needed to be saved, and I figured that was my partners job.

It was through the desolation that I was required to depend only on Christ that I learned what the true order ought to be. I realized only Christ was able to save me. Only Christ could forgive me. That in order to love somebody else, I must first love Christ, that the more I love Christ the more I can love others.

After the growth that allowed these revelations, I finally felt as though I was able to be in a healthy, Christ centered relationship. So I approached the young woman I am dating now. I have always enjoyed her company I am attracted to her. But there is no fire in my heart that yearns for her. I care for her deeply, I love her in the way that I would love a dear friend, there is a physical attraction, sadly even a lust, but when I think of her, I see her as a beautiful gift that is not for me.

When in moments of great consolation, say shortly before receiving communion, un-provoked in my mind I will see the woman from before my conversion, who was my sponsor, I will see her and I and our family kneeling several rows in front of me..: there are always several children with us and this image frequently comes to me in those moments. I pray for her and her family daily before mass, so it is not as if she is a ghost from the past. But we have not spoken for many months.

My question to you kind souls who have labored through my story, is this. Am I causing these images, am I preventing myself from hearing Christ's voice in this matter? I have a deep desire for this woman. I wish I had this same desire for the young woman I am dating now.

I have been quite open with the woman I am dating, while still being prudent and mindful of her feelings. She knows my hesitation, that I feel as though She is a gift that Christ has not intended for me. We have both agreed to pray about it and ask that we might understand what Christ's will for us is.

Thank you,

In Christ,

Author:  kage_ar [ Fri Jun 06, 2014 1:54 pm ]
Post subject:  Re: Direction in relationship

Assuming you have discerned that marriage is your vocation...

You are hung up on "the one that got away". Until you can let go of her, don't be so cruel as to lead this other young lady on.

Might mean going to a different parish, or at least a different mass time so you don't see "the one that got away" across the parish from you. CHOOSE to let go of her. Pray for God to help you let go. Pray for her future husband, and for your future wife.

God does not pick out a soulmate, God gives us free will to find a spouse.

Get your legs under you, stay close to Jesus in the Sacraments, stay busy and when you are free of the idea of TOTGA, then, look to discern another Catholic lady as your wife.

Author:  Doshie [ Thu Sep 13, 2018 4:32 am ]
Post subject:  Re: Direction in relationship

Don't be so cruel man

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