Ellitrush, I think you understand... how are you able to trust in God?
When I suffered a devastating blow a long time ago, I threw myself into reading to find the God who seemed so absent from me… and even read the bible from beginning to end. (It took me 4 months and a fair bit of skim reading but I did it.)... but really didn't feel enlightened. Then I said to myself, do I believe what I've heard and learnt about this God? The loving Papa who loves me more than I could understand, who wants the very best for me; an insignificant little blip on a big radar, who is near to me in everything I do, hears the smallest prayers I utter, envelopes me in my deepest sadnesses.... Or don't I believe that? It was either true or it wasn’t. After that, it was just a matter of rejecting the negative voices whenever they intruded and simply asking God for everything I need. Over time trust becomes second nature.
“seek the LORD while He may be found, Call upon Him while He is near” (Isaiah 55:6).
Your perspective reminded me of Jesus and the Centurion - Matthew 8: 5 -13
The Faith of the Centurion
5 When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. 6 “Lord,” he said, “my servant lies at home paralyzed, suffering terribly.”
7 Jesus said to him, “Shall I come and heal him?”
8 The centurion replied, “Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. 9 For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,’ and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.”
See how the centurion regards his role of authority and responsibility? He says that he himself is under authority and in turn he has authority over those under him.
He was able to relates his place in a chain of command, to his recognition of Jesus acting on Gods authority to heal the sick, and this understanding allowed him to humbly approach Jesus for help without his own civil role being undermined or diminished.
10 When Jesus heard this, he was amazed and said to those following him, “Truly I tell you, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith. 11 I say to you that many will come from the east and the west, and will take their places at the feast with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob in the kingdom of heaven. 12 But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”
Jesus was amazed that this centurion grasped what others with Jewish heritage and who were brought up on the scriptures, couldn’t get.
It’s a great passage to contemplate in being more aware of the truth about our own authority and control in life.