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 Post subject: struggling with marriage, divorce
PostPosted: Tue Apr 19, 2016 10:23 pm 
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I am married twice. Divorced once. and annulled.
Presently, I have been separated for 3 and a half years.
My wife has borderline personality disorder.
I struggle with my circumstance. The first annulment, I relied wholly on faith. The deacon in the archdiocese lied to the archbishop, when I questioned why the deacon told me I should not get an advocate, because if I did so, I must be trying to hide something. Despite being in the midst of the process, I wrote the archbishop. The Archbishop replied that as I had no proof, he could not do anything. My annulment was approved 2-1, and then 3-0 on appeal.

Now I just feel like a failure. My present marriage does not exist in any practical sense, and I do not want to start such a process again. I have no 'love' interest, yet also feel burdened. Why go through divorce and annulment, with so much pain and so little gain, yet what if I encounter a new relationship?

I am a man, 53 years old. I rarely go to mass, which is my fault. I wake with this burden, carry it daily, and sleep uneasily.

Seeking guidance.

God Bless,

David


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 Post subject: Re: struggling with marriage, divorce
PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2016 12:39 am 
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Sons of Thunder
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That's a lot for me to digest at this hour.. hang tight and know that folks will respond to you soon. I just can't do this at the moment typing with my thumbs.


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 Post subject: Re: struggling with marriage, divorce
PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2016 12:50 am 
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thank you. yeah, a lot to digest, I can imagine (from your perspective) sincerely. I appreciate your response, look forward to more.


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 Post subject: Re: struggling with marriage, divorce
PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2016 1:06 am 
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a little more context. I did not come to faith until about 10 years ago. raised agnostic. surrounded by protestants. I believed what I read that Jesus SAID, and i believed what was written on my heart, which was not what protestants espoused. Finally I overcame prejudices against Catholicism to investigate, and after about 3 years? perhaps 4, I came to faith. what a relief, what a joy!

intellectually I believe the Church. emotionally I believe the Church.

experientially I have separated myself from the Church.

I have been unable to find anyone that helps me.

and I know I get closer to God when I help others in any regard (circumstances, spiritually, or whatever?) and I also permit myself to be taken advantage of - which disrupts me - including my spirituality. (e.g. present wife, separated)

I understand intellectually what is going on, but I cannot pull myself together. I have lost the joy and peace I found in the Church, yet I still believe.

good grief - rereading what I wrote, if anyone understands and can help in the smallest way, will be a small miracle. yet I cannot express myself any clearer without muddying things further. ugh.


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 Post subject: Re: struggling with marriage, divorce
PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2016 5:36 am 
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I can only suggest two things:
1. Pray, go back to church regularly, increase your knowledge of Catholicism and make an honest confession.
2. Get a copy of Pope Francis' encyclical amoris_leaticia. (Vatican Library online:- pdf).
There is - there must be - light at the end of the tunnel.
Last Sunday was the day of the Good Shepherd.
I will sincerely pray for you.

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"The real aim of all spiritual growth is to become your true self." (Thomas Merton)


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 Post subject: Re: struggling with marriage, divorce
PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2016 6:33 am 
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Handmaids of the Lord
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What's your prayer life like? Does it include the rosary?

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 Post subject: Re: struggling with marriage, divorce
PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2016 6:36 am 
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I will read Pope Francis encyclical

and I am always interested in learning more about my faith. It is not knowing about confession or mass that I am in need of. I understand those are gifts and will help me. It is the miracle I need to cure my depression, I suppose.

To be straightforward, I have a good grasp on Catholicism, though it would take a lifetime. And I am no St. Thomas of Aquinas.

I am not sure what I hoped for, here. I do appreciate your suggestions, brother. And bless you for your prayers. I shall pray for you as well in thanksgiving.


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 Post subject: Re: struggling with marriage, divorce
PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2016 6:46 am 
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I need to pray daily. I loved the rosary. I used to pray the rosary daily in adoration. not an option for me right now. too far, too much gas.
my prayer life is a disgrace.
the wheels came off my life. a bpd spouse is very painful. of course, others have recovered from similar situations - i am not looking for sympathy. I am trying to drag myself back into practicing my faith. it is difficult. I am lacking motivation, and am depressed. self-absorbed with my own situation, I suppose. i could be helping others instead. no doubt would feel much better myself as well if I were to do so. no idea what anyone can do to help. very disappointed in myself. maybe I just need a kick in the pants.


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 Post subject: Re: struggling with marriage, divorce
PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2016 6:57 am 
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Jedi Master
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Quote:
I shall pray for you as well in thanksgiving.
Do a lot of prayers of thanksgiving, not just (or especially) for us.

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 Post subject: Re: struggling with marriage, divorce
PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2016 7:03 am 
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just an fyi - amoris leaticia is an apostolic exhortation (not encyclical). still easy enough to find an the Vatican website. I downloaded it.


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 Post subject: Re: struggling with marriage, divorce
PostPosted: Wed Apr 20, 2016 3:08 pm 
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Praying for you. :pray:

If the answers here seem a bit skimpy, it is because we cannot advise you on matters concerning your marriage. Those issues are best dealt with in counseling with your priest. We can and will offer support and suggestions, and many prayers. :)

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 Post subject: Re: struggling with marriage, divorce
PostPosted: Thu Apr 21, 2016 11:18 am 
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davidwilliamson wrote:
I am married twice. Divorced once. and annulled.
Presently, I have been separated for 3 and a half years.
My wife has borderline personality disorder.
I struggle with my circumstance. The first annulment, I relied wholly on faith. The deacon in the archdiocese lied to the archbishop, when I questioned why the deacon told me I should not get an advocate, because if I did so, I must be trying to hide something. Despite being in the midst of the process, I wrote the archbishop. The Archbishop replied that as I had no proof, he could not do anything. My annulment was approved 2-1, and then 3-0 on appeal.

Now I just feel like a failure. My present marriage does not exist in any practical sense, and I do not want to start such a process again. I have no 'love' interest, yet also feel burdened. Why go through divorce and annulment, with so much pain and so little gain, yet what if I encounter a new relationship?

I am a man, 53 years old. I rarely go to mass, which is my fault. I wake with this burden, carry it daily, and sleep uneasily.

Seeking guidance.

God Bless,

David


Strictly speaking, if your first marriage was deemed null, then your current marriage is still valid. The fact that you are separated really doesn't have anything to do with it. The fact that your wife is borderline personality disorder may make for a crummy marriage (I know this firsthand, myself), but it certainly doesn't automatically nullify it either. So long as your second marriage is deemed valid, you are not available to other women/relationships.

It is a very difficult path. I know a guy who has been in an identical situation as yours for 10+ years (being separated/not divorced/not annulled). It is what it is. Getting a good spiritual adviser and focusing on a strong prayer life is really really really vital. The guy I know became very active with his church and leads an otherwise normal, content life. It is a cross to bear, no doubt, but with fortitude and perseverance, and being open to the graces of Christ, it can be done. Without that, it is very easy simply to give up and fall to temptation.


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 Post subject: Re: struggling with marriage, divorce
PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2016 2:23 pm 
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tAnGo wrote:

Strictly speaking, if your first marriage was deemed null, then your current marriage is still valid.


All due respect, Tango, there are too many unknowns for any of us to make that judgement.

For example, was the second spouse free to marry? if either party were a baptized Catholic, did the marriage take place in the Catholic Church (or outside of it with proper permissions)?

The very best advice is to pray, speak to your pastor and go from there.

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 Post subject: Re: struggling with marriage, divorce
PostPosted: Mon May 16, 2016 2:34 pm 
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"Still presumed to be valid" would be a better way to phrase it.

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 Post subject: Re: struggling with marriage, divorce
PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2016 4:42 pm 
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Handmaids of the Lord
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:pray:

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 Post subject: Re: struggling with marriage, divorce
PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2016 9:07 pm 
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Obi-Wan Kenobi wrote:
"Still presumed to be valid" would be a better way to phrase it.


thank you


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 Post subject: Re: struggling with marriage, divorce
PostPosted: Tue May 17, 2016 10:14 pm 
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hi
i am sorry about your pain and difficulties
if it is hard to set aside formal prayer time due to stress etc
at the very least if you have a little picture/holy card of the blessed mother, divine mercy Jesus, st. jude
ask a priest to bless the pictures
a simple prayer you can say all day "Lord help me" "Lord forgive us" "blessed mother help me"
your guardian angel is always with you too. ask him for help. and your wife's guardian angel is around too.
the blessed mother is here especially for us sinners, the goats. she cares about you.


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 Post subject: Re: struggling with marriage, divorce
PostPosted: Sat Jun 11, 2016 5:41 pm 
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davidwilliamson wrote:
I need to pray daily. I loved the rosary. I used to pray the rosary daily in adoration. not an option for me right now. too far, too much gas.
my prayer life is a disgrace.
the wheels came off my life. a bpd spouse is very painful. of course, others have recovered from similar situations - i am not looking for sympathy. I am trying to drag myself back into practicing my faith. it is difficult. I am lacking motivation, and am depressed. self-absorbed with my own situation, I suppose. i could be helping others instead. no doubt would feel much better myself as well if I were to do so. no idea what anyone can do to help. very disappointed in myself. maybe I just need a kick in the pants.



http://www.fortheloveofgodworldwide.org ... ne-rosary/

The above site has live Eucharistic Adoration, 24/7, and a beautiful Rosary of the sorrowful mysteries.

Peace,

Dorothy


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